A few sad days of barely talking, or should I say yelling. Andrew and I were still long distance, me at home in Washington, and him in Reno. I honestly had been bored out of my mind and lonely for his touch. I didn't know a soul in the town and wanted to see friends, wanted to be extremely fit and wanted a proper movie theater. Everything seemed out of reach so I became naggy and rude - constantly.
Anyway, the fight happened - I wanted more attention, to feel his love and he wanted his 'Senior Year' with his friends. I felt unimportant, neglected and more importantly not worth his time or effort. I cried for hours than night, keeping my parents up and becoming more upset by the minute. Was my relationship with the most caring, beautiful person I had ever met ending? Well - it seemed so when the next morning he explained that "being together right now isn't making either of us happier." He told me that he wanted me and him to be perfect but that didn't exist. He said that I expected perfection, was hypocritical and didn't support him. I thought to myself that I wouldn't continue dating me either. Bawling on my bed, I was crushed. I couldn't stand to lose him and I knew that I was panicking. Gasping for breath, I texted him back begging him to just get it over with and break up with me. I couldn't bare his confused "love" for any longer. He was scared that if he broke up with me, he would lose all of me, including friendship, forever. I was hurting so badly that I was convinced of that fact myself. He told me that he didn't know if he needed a break from too much depth and asked me if we could just share polite goodnights and small talk for awhile. He stabbed my barely beating heart when he shyly confessed that he didn't picture me in his life his senior summer. Ouch. I felt at this moment that we had not moved forward as a couple since I left him in this position when I left for college the summer of 2010. I was and am a million times more committed than when I had made that selfish decision. Once again, I was searching for breath, if I got it - it wouldn't make the situation any easier. Finally I replied saying "I am terrified of losing you. I don't want you as a friend and never have. I will never hear the songs you wrote when you were in love with me [I assumed he wasn't in love with my anymore]. I will never read an old yearbook entry with you when we're old. I won't go to your graduation and you will never hold my hand." What at the time felt like my plea for acceptance, I said "I just know that I'm all you want or need." I still believe that claim whole heartedly. Finally Andrew said the words I was searching for, "Erin, listen to me babe: we are not breaking up okay?" Ahhhh a small weight was lifted off my shoulders because at least I'd have a chance. A chance to show him the woman I could be. The amazing person my parents had raised me as. I would work on my harsh mouth and control my rude impulses. I would try to accept that he needed time with friends and that was OK. In three months, I would be in his arms - folding into his strong arms, knowing that we had made it to another milestone. After a phone call and a lovely skype date, I have more strength than before the fight. Andrew told me that he would work on communicating more effectively because HE WANTED TO. I realize that I need to focus on my own goals and achieve what I have only dreamed of. One of which is to become as fit as Jillian Michaels. I would also like to start attending church more to strengthen my relationship with God. It was him I was talking to when I couldn't breathe and was curled up on my bed sobbing.
That night I sent him a picture of myself. Puffy, swollen eyes (from crying) yet I sported the biggest and most genuine smile I had in awhile. I was still attached emotionally to the love of my life and everything would be okay. I told him that this was a picture of a girl who was entirely in love with him.
<3
I'm crossing my fingers for strength, persistence and love.
