Love Lost? Maybe, But Love Was Found

A few sad days of barely talking, or should I say yelling. Andrew and I were still long distance, me at home in Washington, and him in Reno. I honestly had been bored out of my mind and lonely for his touch. I didn't know a soul in the town and wanted to see friends, wanted to be extremely fit and wanted a proper movie theater. Everything seemed out of reach so I became naggy and rude - constantly.
Anyway, the fight happened - I wanted more attention, to feel his love and he wanted his 'Senior Year' with his friends. I felt unimportant, neglected and more importantly not worth his time or effort. I cried for hours than night, keeping my parents up and becoming more upset by the minute. Was my relationship with the most caring, beautiful person I had ever met ending? Well - it seemed so when the next morning he explained that "being together right now isn't making either of us happier." He told me that he wanted me and him to be perfect but that didn't exist. He said that I expected perfection, was hypocritical and didn't support him. I thought to myself that I wouldn't continue dating me either. Bawling on my bed, I was crushed. I couldn't stand to lose him and I knew that I was panicking. Gasping for breath, I texted him back begging him to just get it over with and break up with me. I couldn't bare his confused "love" for any longer. He was scared that if he broke up with me, he would lose all of me, including friendship, forever. I was hurting so badly that I was convinced of that fact myself. He told me that he didn't know if he needed a break from too much depth and asked me if we could just share polite goodnights and small talk for awhile. He stabbed my barely beating heart when he shyly confessed that he didn't picture me in his life his senior summer. Ouch. I felt at this moment that we had not moved forward as a couple since I left him in this position when I left for college the summer of 2010. I was and am a million times more committed than when I had made that selfish decision. Once again, I was searching for breath, if I got it - it wouldn't make the situation any easier. Finally I replied saying "I am terrified of losing you. I don't want you as a friend and never have. I will never hear the songs you wrote when you were in love with me [I assumed he wasn't in love with my anymore]. I will never read an old yearbook entry with you when we're old. I won't go to your graduation and you will never hold my hand." What at the time felt like my plea for acceptance, I said "I just know that I'm all you want or need." I still believe that claim whole heartedly. Finally Andrew said the words I was searching for, "Erin, listen to me babe: we are not breaking up okay?" Ahhhh a small weight was lifted off my shoulders because at least I'd have a chance. A chance to show him the woman I could be. The amazing person my parents had raised me as. I would work on my harsh mouth and control my rude impulses. I would try to accept that he needed time with friends and that was OK. In three months, I would be in his arms - folding into his strong arms, knowing that we had made it to another milestone. After a phone call and a lovely skype date, I have more strength than before the fight. Andrew told me that he would work on communicating more effectively because HE WANTED TO. I realize that I need to focus on my own goals and achieve what I have only dreamed of. One of which is to become as fit as Jillian Michaels. I would also like to start attending church more to strengthen my relationship with God. It was him I was talking to when I couldn't breathe and was curled up on my bed sobbing.

That night I sent him a picture of myself. Puffy, swollen eyes (from crying) yet I sported the biggest and most genuine smile I had in awhile. I was still attached emotionally to the love of my life and everything would be okay. I told him that this was a picture of a girl who was entirely in love with him.

<3

I'm crossing my fingers for strength, persistence and love.

"A Tale"...to be continued?

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair." - Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (1859)


I have had this lovely book, A Tale of Two Cities, since Christmas. It is currently sitting in a drawer, in a desk that is not mine. On the book lies a thin layer of dust. Every time I think of the book, even look at it - I want to read it. Hopefully over Spring Break, I will find the time. I think finding time for things that are important to you can "make you or break you" in this world. I find myself formulating all of these beautiful and of course picturesque ideas that will eventually (hopefully) take place in my life. I always tell myself I will be the next Jillian Michaels. Oh I definitely will find time to meditate and cook these glamorously complicated dishes. Notice my dreams never include cleaning up after my cooking adventure. I will read the Bible and finally become devoted to my glorious God. I will call up friends I haven't talked to in ages. I will volunteer at a food bank. I will stop being so stubborn and pick my battles more wisely. I will save my money. I will educate children on the terrible realities of obesity. I will shower, blow dry and style my hair daily. I will...


The list goes on. For all of us. And it will never stop evolving. We change, and clearly so will our list. Is the key to completing your list to let it evolve? To pick the most important things on it and just go for it? My father once told me "Don't ever quit." Although simple, this advice seems perfect. I won't quit dad, I promise. 


Here's to completing a life long "To-Do List" one significant task at a time. Hope you'll join me!
Cheers!

In the words of Rocky Balboa, "Going in one more round when you don't think you can - that's what makes all the difference in your life."

This is something I have always adored...

ODE TO THE BOLD 

Here's to the pioneers. To the inventor of the belly flop. To the one who added "mosh" to pit. To the first to look a bull in the eyes and say, "Yeah, I'm gonna ride that. And with one hand." Here's to the uninhibited. The 20 below zero, body-painted sport fanatic. The lovers that honor one another with tattoos. The streakers. And the mooners. Here's to the brave. To those who can't karaoke, but karaoke anyway. To those who've shaved off their own eyebrow, just 'cause. Or objected at a wedding that needed an objection (thank you, thank you, thank you). Here's to the rule-breakers. The fighters trying to bring the handlebar mustache back into fashion. Any couple who's ever been banned from a mall photo booth. And all the 4s out there who married a 10. 

-Del Taco-

Word Vomit Numbero Uno

I love when the music surrounds you. Simple as it may seem, surrounds your heart, your ears, your self. I love listening to music and just rocking out. I enjoy all types of music in some form or another. The brutal bashing of Screamo, the relatable strength in Country and even the sensual beats of Hip Hop. I am a woman of my generation, a beautiful work of art made from iPods, high gas prices and food from plastic wrappers. I express myself through my abrupt speech, my kind words and my consistent jabber. In the words of young Alice: "If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense." I appreciate the laughter, disagreement and love that takes place in my own home. I wish for peace but love to argue. Nothing is better than the comfort of your favorite things. My favorite things are TV early in the morning, breakfast for dinner and Baked Cheetos. Like anyone else, I have a past and a future. 

“Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a Lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle... when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.” 

-Anon-